Myth of the One

There is a common evangelical myth that God picked out a spouse for you, and that are you are destined to meet this person. I don’t know why it has taken me so long to blog on this. This subject has come up in many conversations with my friends. More than a few events in the past few years have made reflect on the gravity of this error. I have no idea where my blog will go in relation to this. For this blog, I can only describe its ugly consequences. For sake of brevity, I will call the idea that God picks our spouses for us as the “myth of the one.”

Some of you may have read God of the Possible. In it, Greg Boyd relates the tragic parable of “Susan.” Susan came to him very angry one day. It took Greg Boyd some time to figure it out that she was angry at God. Susan had a dream to be a missionary to Taiwan, and she believed strongly in the myth of the one. She met a nice man who also wanted to be a missionary. They dated. He eventually proposed. Surprisingly, instead of saying yes right away, she prayed about it for some time. God told her that this was, indeed, “the one.”

The story book marriage did not go well. He had an affair. They reconciled through careful pastoral care, but he cheated on her again. He was emotionally abusive on top of that. They finally divorced, but it was only afterwards that she found out that she was pregnant. So much for Jeremiah 29:11.

Now we all know what the “myth of the one” is supposed to look like. The whole point of the myth of the one is that such trauma should never occur. God somehow brings us to beatific relationships that last. What we do is just “seek him.” Dating is supposed to be replaced with “courting” for these reasons. Once God has ‘revealed’ our spouse, our relationship should happy and fulfilling. The Susan story is a dramatic counter-example to this. Further examples could abound, but I need to repeat them here.

I know that most people who are reading this do not believe in the myth of the one. Obviously, I do not either. However, I think that there a lot of Christians who do. I think the consequences, like the Susan story, are horrible. Contrary to preparing people for marriage, actually often encourages premature marriages.
Some may object at this point. Someone reading this could be thinking that they followed, or knew someone who followed, the myth of the one and are happily married. To this I say, “Congratulations, I’m happy for you.” As happy as that is, it still does not overcome the numerous Susan stories out there. To be sure, there are many people who do “find the one,” but I cannot help but feel they are an exception.

What I have never figured out, is exactly where this myth comes from. Did it start in youth ministries as the only way to curb the hormones? Was it someone’s own resolution to a bad dating relationship? Does it come out of perfectionism? Some ultra-strong version of Calvinism?

If anyone has any ideas, I am quite open to them.