My thoughts on the dating question.

In my previous blog, I asked everyone for their opinion on a question that I heard on the The Boundless Podcast. The question came from one woman, asking another woman on a show hosted by a woman on whether or not it was "correct" to initiate contact with a man she was interested in on eHarmony.

Thank you again, espeically Nicole and Brandi, for your responses to the question.

Here's how I would answer it: The purpose of eHarmony is to make getting into relationships really easy. Why would you want to make it more difficult? The answer is 'women need to let the men lead.' Does letting the man lead mean doing nothing? This may seem like hyperbole, but I have to wonder this: if a woman is unwilling to make contact due to 'we need to let the men lead' will she be able to reciprocate interest later? Can she respond in a way that is conducive to relationship building once mutual attraction is out the open?

I know this may seem counter-intuitive to many Christian woman/girls, but if you don't show interest in a guy that guy will assume that you are not interested in him. Let me repeat that: if you don't show interest in a guy that guy will assume that you are not interested in him.

It seems so strange that FOF, Boundless, and other segments of Evangelicalism want to so harshly split gender roles. Men are supposed to 100% dominate, assertive, and pursuit-driven. Women are expected to be 100% submissive, passive, and receptive. Yet scientifically everybody knows that testosterone and estrogen are present in both genders. Philosophically, most schools of thought (especially eastern) will say that there is a "feminine" nature and a "masculine" nature and that all humans are mixture of both. Even the Bible ascribes both masculine and feminine traits to God. It seems so obvious that while we might expect behavioral tendencies for each gender, we shouldn't expect some black and white, either/or, divide.

More broadly, I simply don't understand the purpose of such moral quandaries when it comes to dating. Is it not missing the forest for the trees? If the goal of Christian dating is to get into a committed, healthy, relationship, than maybe we shouldn't be so fixated on little rules. What if the rules are in conflict with the stated goal? It is if we want two streams of water to flow down a hill and meet together. So we decide to add several dams, ditches, and other obstructions to make sure they do so the biblical way.

I hope that any evangelical woman on eHarmony would consider talking to ...guys... when they have questions about how to interact with men on eHarmony because that seems the better place to look. (This of course assumes that male/female friendships are not against the laws of evangelicalism.)

I will close with one final thought. My honorary sister commented that if women can lead the church, than they can click the eHarmony thingy. I would like to add that if women can host a podcast, endorsed by a large parachurch/webzine, which has influence over many, many, young evangelicals, than they can click the eHarmony thingy.

Dating Question: Guys, how would YOU answer it?

If there's one thing I like about Korea, its that I have lots of time to listen to podcasts. I randomly downloaded a few from "Boundless" which is far as I can tell is Focus on the Family for twenty somethings. In Podcast 156 the host read an eMail from a listener. It was a question about how to approach men. The guest answered.

Here's the irony: It is a dating question about men. All three people involved were women.

So for a different perspective, I hope that all guys reading this post -married, single, dating whatever- take a chance to read this question from a concerned reader. Answer -in this blog- about how you would answer this question because your insights lasts longer here than on facebook.

"A couple of friends and I have been trying out eHarmony. In an effort to the let the men lead, I've been waiting for my matches to initiate contact before entering into a conversation with them. The trouble is that there are two or three who've intrigued me from their profile, but they have not contacted me. After two or three weeks, I wonder if I've just gotten lost in the list of matches that accumulate over time. Would it be helpful to them to just drop an ice breaker or initiate a conversation?

How do you answer it guys?